... in Australia

 Adventures of the Anonymous Two in Australia

The 3.15am alarm was unwelcome, even to the cat who knew something was afoot. With a clear run to Heathrow we then had a longer than usual amount of time to kill at the airport and for me to worry that the cat had escaped. So I lingered over breakfast of mango in crushed avocado and Husband commented that the shops were uninspiring. I queried whether any airport shopping experience was otherwise.

I suggested Husband check the battery in his noise cancelling headphones. This proved fortuitous. Not only had it expired. It had leaked. So he purchased new batteries. The headphones still didn't work. But after some scrapping of acid erosion on the contact, soon all was well.

With time still on our hands we got a beer, which also helped justify our ongoing hogging of the pub table. Husband got a pint rather than a half despite the early hour because, and I quote 'I'm not a girl'. However, we were some way behind the drinking start time of a group of lads near to us who had started beer consumption at 5.45am.

Finally on board the plane, we had seats near the cockpit. So it was with additional alarm when the captain introduced himself as - or it least, so it sounded - Jihadi. The flight was largely uneventful (I suppose all the best flights are), interjected by a more than usually unpleasant meal of chicken and mash. Husband was unhappy that they hadn't mentioned it was in a tomato sauce. We timed our in flight entertainment selection so that we watched Kingsman together. 

As we flew over a huge desert I looked at the flight path map and noticed that we were over Iraq. From the sky it seemed minimally populated. And peaceful. 

We flew into the night over UAE and came into land at Abu Dhabi (which seemed laid out on similar design to Milton Keynes) ahead of schedule.

The flight transfer was far less involved at Abu Dhabi than Dubai. We were treated to after another prayer from the Holy Quoran and ongoing Mecca directions before commencing the long and mildly uncomfortable second leg, not helped by leaving around 50 minutes late due to congestion at the airport.

We dozed, watch films, dozed, listened to music and played with the unappealing food. Fish - allegedly. And appalling rice pudding. We were near a window and could see the sun dried landscape of Australia below.

As we came into land in the Australian evening we struggled to get our boots back on as our feet had swollen in flight. It was warm in Melbourne. We met Bro the Younger - our delay had been helpful to him, traffic wise, who launched into discussion on the new Jack White album. He was not a fan, likening it to a Beastie Boys tune from the 1980s that wasn't good enough for a B side, in the way that if there is teenager and hormones in a room only bad things can happen. Jack White had started using a drum machine, but everyone else started years ago and had got good at it.

His Gin and Apathy model business was going well. So much so that he quoted one client a ridiculous fee, hoping they would go away and not add to his workload. But it was accepted. So he had now made this his base cost rate.

We checked in to our very centrally located hotel and having planned our meet up for the next day then parted company, we showered and went out for dinner. On the way we passed a queue outside a trainers shop for a new shoe release the next day!

We located a groovy local bar with a live band for a drink before we foraged for food which ended up being a Thai restaurant, comfortingly populated by Asian people. After a lot of soft shell crab we started to feel sleepy.

I slept very well. Husband less so. In the morning we had better appreciation of the good views from our room over the city. We got up and went out to meet up with Bro the Younger. Almost as soon as we got into his car, he realised he had a flat tyre, which was a bit of fun first thing in the morning. We were all momentarily baffled by the plastic caps on the locking wheel nuts which needed a coat hanger thing to get them off. Once sorted, we made our way to Bro the Younger's house.

Peppa Pig was initially shy and confused by the similarity between me and Bro the Younger. Soon the kids relaxed and we played lego together along with the toy cars and Fisher Price toys from when we were small. Peppa Pig's feet pattered loudly around the house - and she could change her own nappy.

Spiderman wanted to lick a lime which Bro the Younger had earlier squeezed onto his breakfast, and which Spiderman insisted he liked.

Bro the Younger had a copy of his Battersea Power Station print and told us the story of how he did it. He took the photo initially but realise it was backlit. So didn't wind on the film and instead, turned the camera upside down and repeated the photo. The result was superb.

Spiderman didn't believe our claims that his father was an Englishman. They had a toy which made noises and naturally found the fart and burp sounds funny, even though they didn't know what the descriptions for those sounds on their toy were.

Husband and I tore ourselves away from playing with the kids to go to the F1. We found it bizarre that Bro the Younger could drive right up to the circuit and drop us off right next to an entry gate. We got out of his car to the sound of the Porsche qualifying, and walked around the circuit to the GP Advantage area. On the way we looked at some of the car displays and watched the fighter jet displays in the skies just above the crowds. It was wet underfoot, soggy mud and puddles. There were grey clouds overhead but no further rain came, just a breeze and reduced threat of sunburn, which was good.

We felt a bit sleepy in qualifying. Bottas crashed causing a red flag. 

After qualifying we made our way towards the tram back into town. But we didn't really know where we were going and Husband's knee was starting to hurt. We managed to clamber onto the crammed tram. A boy on board asked a woman if she could count to 10. And 11. And 12, causing much giggling on board.

At subsequent stops it was becoming increasingly impossible for anyone else to get on.

Back in the city we met up with Bro the Younger and Lady Godiva for drinks and dinner. We went through an unassuming black door and up some steps into a darkly lit bar. The restaurant was on the 6th floor. The building also included a rooftop cinema.

Over dinner Bro the Younger talked of the difficulty of instilling in his children a sense of modern world conformity that he doesn't believe in, for example, society deciding it is not ok to wear pyjamas in the daytime. Dinner was Mexican. We all tried the jalapeno hoppers which weren't too bad and didn't seem to have the usual surprise hot one.

We woke up the following morning to the 7am chimes from the clock tower outside - which fortunately only started bonging at 7am.

We went round to Lady Godiva's sister's house for a breakfast party which was child mayhem and inevitable tears after playing. Breakfast was fabulous and included squid ink bread all laid out on a massive dining room table, which in the event could only accommodate the adults who were present around it. An older member of the party talked about being on a 5 year weight loss plan but that he needed to spend 4 years getting fat first. Husband asked about food on the floor protocol and was told that the kids would it eat.

We returned to Bro the Younger's for a bit to play with the kids who were now loaded with sugar after cake and a sweet filled party bag. Bro the Younger talked about Lego now being made with recyclable plastic but considered this potentially pointless as he had a theory that nobody has even binned Lego.

Husband and I went off to the F1 where it was windy but sunny. A potentially fatal combination. We wandered around the F1 village and car displays and watched the Australian equivalent of the Red Arrows, while lunching on a brisket burger (freshly cut to order) and lashings of free iced tea. The lavatories, however, were becoming increasingly unpleasant. 

The fighter jets returned for another day of ear busting noise. Once in our seats a bomber flew over at very very low altitude. A pair of Dutch hairy bikers sat in the row in front of us, and we could smell their not overly clean hair. Shortly afterwards the race got going which initially threatened to be a dull procession led by Hamilton. But then a safety car and some good strategy decisions put Ferrari in the lead and ended with a Vettel win.

The trip back into the city was simpler and quicker than the previous day - and we got a seat on the tram. Now the skies were starting to look grey. We returned to our hotel room for a bit before going out to a bar we had found on our first evening. It was open mic night. The first chap was good but it deteriorated thereafter. The second guy didn't sing in time to his own playing.

We went to Cookie for dinner, which was through a lone black door off the street, up stairs and then through another unmarked door. You needed to know it was there. After a few minutes it filled up with F1 fans, as if it had been in a guide book. Husband said I should Trip Adviser it, to ruin it completely for the locals. We had amazing food, overflowing with flavour. And our first Espresso Martini of the trip. Back at the hotel we had a race back to the room, me on the stairs and Husband using the slow lift. We slept less well due to being too full.

As were were awake early the next day we decided to get up and took the slowest lift in the world down to the laneway outside for breakfast, which stopped vigorously and let us out only once the epically slow door had opened. 

It was cool outside but a blue sky overhead, which was quite different to the weather claimed by the online forecast. We were joined for breakfast in the cafe by a chubby sparrow - who, judging by his girth - obviously regularly joined diners.

When we returned to the hotel room after breakfast the room key card didn't work. So I went back down to reception via the convoluted, and slow lift route to get a new key. That one also didn't work. So I went back down again. This time the man came up as well to open the door.

All we needed to do was collect our luggage, before checking out and going to the car rental place through the busy streets of Melbourne and Monday morning commuters. There were large queues outside the magistrate's court and we were unsure if there was a particularly exciting case on or if a lot of people needed to be put in prison. 

We picked up the hire car after killing time at a coffee shop reading about F1 and the far more reported Aussie cricket team ball tampering. Setting off in our Renault Captur towards the Great Ocean Road, which had been made by returning World War I veterans. Which seemed mean. This was a group of people who really didn't need explosion noises. The sat nav directed us out of the city. Husband tried to figure out the controls, particularly cruise control. The car immediately lost power and speed so we pulled over to the hard shoulder of the freeway to turn it off and on again. Which seemed to work.

It rained on and off, and was windy. Making a wrong turning, we found ourselves in a retail park which proved handy for a loo break and lunch.

Before long we came off the freeway to Torquay and its beach. We did not visit their primary attraction, the Surf Museum but did look at their surf beach. 

Next stop was surf school in Cosy Bay, around the corner from Danger Point which had a shallow limestone reef. At Lorne there was Lorne Netball and Cricket Club, rather than tennis. Which seemed an opportunity missed. 

It was still very blowy.  We went on to Bells Beach where the Easter Rip Curl was being prepared. The torrential rain, which threatened the event, soon blew over.

A little further along we came to the Great Ocean Road Memorial Arch where the rain stopped just in time. The onward road moved at pace from sea level to the cliffs above and back again, before rising through the woods where bark was hanging off the eucalyptus trees and the air was strong with their pungent perfume.

We went off the main route to Teddy's Lookout from where we could see the Great Ocean Road from above, and then went on to Erskine Falls which were in the woods. Torrential rain happened and Husband suggested the Falls were in a rain forest. We sat in the car waiting for the rain to ease in intensity. After a while there was enough of a break for us to venture out. Husband went to the top of the Falls and I went down to the bottom., which was surrounded by very lush, huge ferns.

Back on the Great Ocean Road, we snaked around the coast, at one point seeing a near complete rainbow over the sea. 

We could the finish flag on the sat nav for Day 1 of our journey - although it was not the Finnish flag.

We trundled on to our overnight stop - an ocean view villa up on the hill. It was still raining so there wasn't much of a view nor an viable option to sit on the balcony with a drink.

The man at reception used a highlighter to indicate the route to our villa and the exit and the way to the restaurant building. So by the time he'd finished the whole map was more or less completely coloured in.

The hire car was quite noisy. It beeped when the speed limit changed. It beeps when you're speeding. We lost radio channels and ended up being left with a choice of two only, both of which were crap. 

We found our way to Apollo Bay for dinner. Not much was open but there was a craft beer place serving kangaroo steak for dinner which would do perfectly. Naturally this was washed down with beer from ice coated beer pumps, served in chilled glasses. More importantly there was free wi-fi.

On the drive back to our villa we could see the beam of light glowing from the lighthouse. We returned back up the perilous, steep dirt track to the villa which was slippery with eucalyptus bark. We noticed little black caterpillars in our bathroom.

The following day we woke to a clear view from our room over the Pacific. Breakfast was in the restaurant building high on the hill from where we looked through the trees descending on steep slopes down to the sea.

We drove back to Apollo Bay where the fire warnings quote the risk level as low-medium. This was an improvement on the high warning which had shown the previous day - while it was raining.

The car had momentarily stopped beeping speed limit change warnings - but it must have heard me as no sooner had I made this observation to Husband than they kicked in again. We concluded it had been distracted by an air pressure warning.

The road went through wood that looked like rain forest, where eucalyptus bark hung off the branches like rags on a beggar. We went up into hills that were reminiscent of our drive through the Alsace. Then we saw a cyclist so the comparison was complete.

We got stuck in a queue of cars behind a very slow, overly cautious driver. And despite the queue behind them growing they never pulled over into one of the many passing bays. Road signs asking drivers to slow down were not welcome. Eventually our turn came to overtake in one a car we concluded was being driven by people high on dope plus the slow car, being driven by two old biddies while on a no overtaking road. As does the car behind us. The dopers were the fourth to pass. Then we came to some roadworks where the entire road surface was being taken off rather doing one side at a time.

Finally we arrived at Gibson Steps and climb down to see The 12 Apostles - or at least the one you could see from there. The cliff looked crumbly and the sea lapped at our feet. 

We climbed back up and went on to The 12 Apostles. Except there weren't 12 and conflicting message around why they had been named as 12. Looking at the rock pillars in the sea we realised that all of this must once have been solid land. Large fissures were developing in the stacks which remained.

It was warm. And very touristy. We saw the slow old biddies so needed to get back in the car and on our way before them. We drove on to Loch Aird Gorge which was also the site of an old shipwreck. We walked around the headland to see various gorges, caves and rocky outcrops - presumably not allowed to be called The 12 Apostles as that would upset things.

The Razorback was quite incredible. Husband's knee was becoming painful so he went back to the car while I scampered down to Loch Aird beach and its stalactite heavy undercliffs. We drove on to Port Campbell and our stop over for the night - another room with a sea view, and this time accompanied by warmer, nicer weather.

Foraging for food in the late afternoon was unsuccessful - even at a cafe called Forage - so we settled for beer and crisps until dinner time and watched a young lad launch himself off the grassy beach head into a forward roll to the sand below. Port Campbell felt more like a holiday town than Apollo Bay had.

We saw a beefy Ferrari go past - a uit Ferrari which had perhaps been modified. We discussed getting a new camera as mine took the photo some time after pushing the button so it was bit 'oh, you wanted to take a picture of that. Sorry. You missed it. It will take a picture now while putting the camera away, so it's all blurry. Now look what you've done'.

We decided over dinner to Forage for breakfast. In the meantime dinner was was in a place like Little Chef with honourable pretensions. It was a long wait but good food and free pudding.

Forage for breakfast was unsuccessful as it was closed. But this was a hippie town so we found a cafe instead before setting off. The initial sun and blue sky had turned to cloud and it was windy on the coast. We bunny hopped along the Great Coastal Road with other tourists to the stops of interest on the way. Firstly, The Arch, the London Bridge. Followed by The Grotto, where I climbed down into a hole to see through an archway.

We hadn't intended to go to Halladale Point but Husband was curious about dirt tracks off the road, so we went down one. There was a small wooden sign in the car park indicating this was the Point and site of a shipwreck off the coast. I scampered off. It was quite a long walk for pretty much more of the same coastal views. 

We went on to the Bay of Islands and Martyrs Bay which seemed like scraping the barrel of ways to name hunks of limestone in the sea. We could see softer earth in these giving way, leaving the harder stone protruding oddly. We wondered how many millions of years it would take before the sea has eroded away all the land. We didn't see the Bay of Boats but suspect that was yet more bits of land spread out in the water.

We drove on to Fort Fairy and then headed inland towards the Grampians. Long, straight, empty road with a solid supply of road kill, stretched out ahead of us. The sky was now blue and it was heating up. The grass plains looked brown and dry and there was a constant phut phut of insects hitting and dying on the windscreen. 

The peaks of Mt Sturgeon and Abrupt loomed before us. 

We paused in Dunkeld for a meat pie lunch at the Old Bakery. It was a small, sleepy town and we had a quiet lunch on the bakery veranda before heading onwards, into the hills. Low, stumpy trees covered the hill making them look soft and fluffy. Kangaroos leapt out infront of us, as a brutal reminder of Bro the Younger's accident.

We stopped off at Lake Bellfield, which had dead trees around the edge, and then went on to the dam before arriving at Halls Gap and our motel. 

The owner warned us about emus and kangaroos before advising us about some good look out points to visit. As it was a clear, late afternoon we decided to visit these straight away. This started with a winding road up the mountain, which was like being in Italy. The hand drawn map we had from the motel was not to any discernible scale. We finally got to the first lookout point - Boroka. Just at the edge of the trees was a look out area with view over the mountains that surrounded Halls Gap and across the long flat plains beyond. We were the only ones there and it was remarkably peaceful.

We generally find the places we've been to interesting from the lack of commercialisation. No cost. No tat. Beyond the car park there was a track called Mt Difficult Road - which we didn't follow, but did drive on up the hill to Reids Lookout. There was a fire tower there, so we went to the look at the view from that on the basis that he needed the best view. A man was in the tower and a heli stop was on the car park outside. We could see three bush fires on the plains in the distance, smoke rising high into the sky. We walked along the track through the wood to the Balconies. Again it was quiet and we had great views over the wooded mountain sides. It was entirely possible, said Husband, that no one else was in the vast expanse.

There was fencing around the edge of the Balconies to stop people climbing down to the Jaws of Death, but the polished stone showed that clearly this had once been done. A lot. We wondered how long it would be before Hanging Rock was similarly cordoned off.

It was peaceful, the only sound coming from nearby tiny birds.

We went back to the car and returned to the motel, seeing wild emu on the way. We had already decided to go to Barney's Bistro for dinner where dinner was served between 6 and 8 pm. It was now 7, so we set off promptly. The bistro was housed in a huge tin shed with wild kangaroos roaming around at the back. A line of uits were parked in front of it. An unassuming, unmarked door with cow bells on the inside that jangled as we opened it let us in to the timbered building with a high corrugated tin roof. It was a very spit and sawdust affair. We ordered up some beer and steaks, which were delicious.

We sat outside the back with a bottle of wine, watching a kangaroo or wallaby eating the grass as the light faded, then returned to the motel and sat on the veranda - which was the only place where wifi was available - before going to bed.

We woke to the sound of wildlife. Emus had come out in force into the car park.

We packed up the car and continued onward, stopping at Pomonal General Stores for a meat pie and local olive oil before continuing on to Ararat where we visited the gaol. However, as it wasn't open until 11am - and even then, only with a guided tour which was 90 minutes long - we only saw the outside of it. We didn't really have time to wait and for what we suspected was a somewhat padded out tour.

To continue with what turned out to be an unsuccessful tourist trip, we went to the lunatic asylum which had been converted to a place for the criminally insane. Allegedly people could visit but it was fenced off with warnings about guard dogs. It was only open for tours one day a week (although we now doubted if that was the case), and seemed very run down and dilapidated. We drove around the perimeter fencing to have a bit more of a look. It was a reasonably sized establishment so we concluded there had been a lot of local lunatics. We realised we were being followed. I got out to look through the fence at the run down building and crumbling swimming pool. I could hear dogs barking. A man came over to talk to Husband, politely telling us to fuck off. So we left, and went on to Ballarat.

We pulled of into Beaufort for a break and coffee, and admired their fire station. We came into Ballarat along the Avenue of Honour, which we drove the full length of. There was a tree every 10 metres for each Australian man that fell in the two world wars. And each tree was marked with the name of the soldier.

Arriving into the large and prosperous town of Ballarat we had lunch on one of the decorate cast iron balconies, looking towards the station. It was a busy station, with the level crossing gates constantly closing for trains to pass through.

After lunch, we made our way over the farm to meet up with the family. We realise Bro the Younger has given us the wrong street number of the house. Which is ok for us, as we had been there before and knew what we were looking for, but may baffle Aunt and Uncle. 

We had a barbeque dinner, kids bath time and then bed.

The following morning, after breakfast we went to the park with Spiderman and Peppa Pig. We wondered if the vintage trams would be running but Bro the Younger pointed out that they were operated by volunteer nerds, so will definitely be running. And they were.

The kids were tiring so we were pleased when Aunt, Uncle and Cousin arrived at the farm that afternoon to share in play duties. With dinner that evening we had a bottle of Anonymous wine and pudding of poached pears that had been picked from the trees in the garden that morning. Peppa Pig had become a proper little character who knew her own mind, her common phrases being mine, my turn and help.

It was an early start the next day as Uncle needed to return his hire car, Cousin needed to drive to Halls Gap to meet a friend and Lady Godiva and Aunt were going for a Park Run.

When Bro the Younger went to collect them from the run, he snuck out leaving us with the kids, who broadly didn't notice that their parents had gone. They needed constant, never ending interaction and playing - which I suppose is normal for children not brought up with TV and mobile devices.

Peppa Pig copies everything her brother did. We took then outside to play on their scooters and bikes and so that Bro the Younger (now returned, with Lady Godiva) could escape with Aunt and Uncle and show them around Ballarat. Peppa Pig bounced on Spiderman's tummy, causing him to fart. And Uncles confused Spiderman by pretending to be a little boy, just like him.

That afternoon we all went out for walk to the old Skipton to Ballarat railway line, which was now a very burnt dirt track, running through a huge expanse of dry, open landscape. We walked along, around and under the original, impressive old wooden viaduct from the railway, with the bottom part embedded into the half empty creek. 

It was hot. So we visited a pub on the way back which was opposite the old court house and jail. Spiderman noticed that the number 8 table number was upside down. This cheered Bro the Younger who was delighted that his son was typographically aware.

Cousin returned from her day out soon after we got back to the farm, much to the relief of Aunt who had been worrying after Bro the Younger had said that it was in the Grampians he had had the kangaroo caused car accident where he broke his neck and back. We joked about Cousin needing to clean kangaroos and fur off the roo bars on the car. Meanwhile Uncle recited cautionary tales for children to Spiderman.

With the kids in bed, we went out for dinner together at the Boatshed which overlooked the Olympic rowing lake, with the sun setting over it. We queried kipfler potatoes on the menu and Bro the Younger explained this is because Aussies don't have new potatoes. They think they're too small so put them back until they're football sized - that's an Australian potato.

Dinner was served by a very camp waiter who explained Blue Heaven milkshake, prompting Cousin to order a caramel one. I had a beetroot, feta, sweet potato, rocket and caramelised red onion pizza. It was simpler to order beetroot etc and the waiter was amused that all the other ingredients had been reduced to etc. 

We talked about the finer art of growing, and maintaining, lemon trees. We had failed at keeping them alive. Bro the Younger explained that they needed to be urinated on, but conceded this could be tricky if they are in a windowsill pot. He said that Aussi Air BnB's often left notes asking guests to pee on the lemons. He pointed out that the lime Husband was squeezing over his dinner possibly had some of Bro the Younger's DNA on it. We wondered if that was why the kids liked licking limes - to get their DNA back.

Bro the Younger also told us about the amazing, absorbent crystals in nappies, which he tended to use to soak up carpet spills, once he had children (he confirmed). Previously he didn't just happen to have nappies around.

Afterwards I had a very good expresso martini made with particularly strong coffee, and I was then charged with being hyper from it. The waiter asked Cousin if she wanted a big kid milkshake.

At the end of dinner Uncle spilts a bit of coffee on his jumper. We asked if he wanted a nappy, and Bro the Younger suggested that any meal which ends with the question 'do you want a nappy pressed on you' which makes sense to all present has obviously been a success.

Back at the house Bro the Younger cut out rabbit foot print stencils and went round outside the house and into the kitchen sprinkling flour over the stencils to show the kids in the morning that the Easter bunnies had come. He put away the carrots that had been left out for them, but did leave behind one slightly knawed end. He talked about having done this at the beach house but on carpet, which took months to get out - and the footprints were done in the way a human walks rather than as bunny hops. So he was developing the effect each year and wished he had some fur he could strategically place. Bro the Younger was still concerned that Spiderman might question things too much, such as where are the front foot prints and why has the rabbit walked in flour. After all, at the park Spiderman had spotted that the Easter Bunny was a man in an outfit.

We discussed the events of Easter, Christ rising and how this had a less clear link to eggs and bunnies. Bro the Young said no, there was Jesus, a gap and then American marketing.

We got up in the morning and put to the world to rights while we waited for everyone else. Bro the Younger explained that Australia Day is now a sensitive subject and often boycotted or re-named Invasion Day, as it marks when the white man arrived and started to take over, subjugate and kill the indigenous people.

Then we heard the excitement of the the children as they got up and realised the Easter Bunny had been, apparently totally fooled by the flour. The bunny had obviously walked in snow. After breakfast and egg hunting, we all made our way back to Melbourne.

Bro the Younger took Aunt and Uncle around the city while we stayed with the kids, watching the Jungle Book about three time. The kids thought there were two types of chicken egg - the one you eat and the on that makes new chickens. Peppa Pig continually claimed to have a hurtie so that she could have a Dora the Explore plaster put on her.

Back in the city we were reunited with the excitement of wifi.

Having learned from previous kids bath times, Aunt and Uncle pinned themselves against a far wall. We tried to dry Peppa Pig who frog legged herself before putting on her own nappy. Then she needed to put into a baby grow for bed. Aunt and Uncle were immediately concerned about our ability to get her into it - and then do up the poppers in the correct order. Generally these things become troublesome where the body and legs join. But Aunt had correctly identified that we were amateurs, and went to fetch Lady Godiva.

We had our final family dinner together before Cousin continued her travels this evening and we left the following the morning. I had a scrummy lamb and lentil dinner followed by ice cream and shaved easter bunny. We were all trying to stay awake even though it was only 8pm. We claimed it was due to the clocks going back. Cousin was due to take a night bus to Canberra, arriving at 6am. We asked if that was the terminal stop as it could impact how awke she needed to be. This was a very good question that she didn't know the answer to.

The following morning we got up and sorted our packing. In the kitchen there seemed to be some sort of competition about how had done the most washing up. Meanwhile Bro the Younger was wondering what had happened to all his childhood lego. Still confident in his belief that no one threw away Lego. Ever. 

We had a quiet morning playing with the kids. Lady Godiva took Aunt and Uncle to see the view of the city from her office. We said our goodbyes as we would have left by the time they got back. And set off soon afterwards to give Bro the Younger some peace and quiet. We had allowed plenty of time as needed to  fill up with fuel and return the hire car, then get the shuttle to the airport. In the event all these things happened quite quickly, despite us making a wrong turn on route. So we got to the airport four and half hours before the flight, and only able to check in three hours before. We repaired to a nearby bar to kill the time and have some food. We wondered if No. 5 was the only table number they had as it had been used for the food order before us, and the one which followed. But when two tables ordered at the same time, they cracked out a No. 21.

We managed to get allocated aisle seats for both legs of the flight back. More miraculously, we managed to get a lot of sleep on the first flight. There was a dull wait in Abu Dhabi before the final haul home. We heard a women in the queue to board saying it took her two weeks to recover from jet lag. This seemed insane - I more or less don't suffer from it all. But that's because I have a system, used for all long haul flights since our trip to Canada, which so far has worked faultlessly. 

We sat in a row of three, next to a British Indian who seemed interested in chatting to us about where we'd been and where we were going. We decided that, on balance (and despite Dubai), we preferred Emirates. Mainly because they provided hot towels, travel packs, menus and had moisturiser in the loo. And the bar options at the interchange airport were better, even if transfer at Dubai was considerably more involved. And we much preferred Airbus to Boeing in terms of leg room and seat size. But there was always the risk of being given Quantas for one of the legs.

Perhaps Ethihad had once had menu cards and got rid of them - but failed to alert the air stewardesses to their additional role of explaining the meal options. For example, breakfast was described as omelette or scrambled egg, with no reference to the additional variations of sauage, beans and tomatoes.

We arrived in a cool, wet England, collected our luggage and phoned the Meet and Greet, but couldn't get through. By the time we were able to, we were at the meet point in the car park which somewhat lessened the convenience.

We had landed 24 hours and 20 minutes after leaving Australia which I think is the fastest we've done it.

We drove hoe and collected the cat who seemed pleased to see us. We were tiring of the journey though. Next time we might go direct and meet them in Perth.